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[theknightshift]

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[theknightshift]

[ It stings. And he doesn't know what to do with the pain. He could bury it, like always. Or give himself the space to feel it. He doesn't know what to do with any of this. ]

No. You have every right to be angry with me. But I didn't lie to you.

[turdusmigratoriusmortuus]

[He moves back, away, across the room so he's in the corner. Normally he doesn't let himself do that, be cornered, somewhere that he can't hold onto all the power in the room, but he can't help it now. He shakes his head.]

Then what the fuck is it, Bruce? You told me you loved me, and then you, wha-

[And then it hits him.]

You coward. You fucking coward.

[theknightshift]

[ Maybe it's true. Maybe he is a coward. He wants to reach for him, but he doesn't. Maybe that makes him a coward too. ]

I did what I needed to do. That doesn't make me a coward.

[turdusmigratoriusmortuus]

[Jason is crying, now, but he is so angry.]

Get out. Get out, I never-

Get out!

[He yells it, and he feels like his body is coming apart. He feels like he did when he saw the bomb tick down to zero.]

[theknightshift]

[ He could see the tears and honestly, this isn't how he wanted this to go. It's not how he'd planned for their relationship to end.

He could go. Probably should, since Jason is throwing him out, but Jason isn't the only one who feels like he's being pulled apart. Bruce had not been there for the explosion. But he wants to be here now, since this is all his fault.

It's stupid. He should go. But he doesn't. He pulls the cowl off and moves in closer to Jason so he can try to wipe his tears. So he doesn't feel like he's coming unraveled. ]

It wasn't meant to hurt you, Jason.

[turdusmigratoriusmortuus]

[Because Jason isn’t good with his own pain, he lashes out.

Only this isn’t physical.]

Oh no? Oh, daddy, did it get too real for you? You missed my pretty hole but then realized that feelings would make it gross?

Maybe you should have thought of that six months ago when you thought it would be a good idea to put your cock in my mouth!

[His tone is mean, his voice deep and snarling.]

[theknightshift]

[ because words hit harder than any punch. Bruce would have preferred the punch to the face. The pain would fade. Jason's words cut deep and the worst part of it all? He's not completely wrong. ]

I wanted what was best for you.

[ And what was easiest for Bruce. It's easier to walk away when he thinks it's for someone else's own good and not his own. Bruce is the martyr you see. Sacrificing himself for everyone else. ]

I said it because I meant it. But you-- [ didn't say it back. ] I didn't want you to feel obligated.

[turdusmigratoriusmortuus]

You're such a fucking coward.

You could have waited a day, but no, you didn't get what you wanted right away and you left-

[He slams his hands into the wall behind him.]

You didn't want me to feel obligated, but you treated it like a goddamned test, that's not love, Bruce!

[theknightshift]

It wasn't a test.

[ It comes out sharper than he means for it to. He wants to lash out too, to push back on the idea that he's afraid. But he knows if he thinks about it, even for a moment, it feels like he's lying. He is afraid. ]

I just...I was giving you the out.

[turdusmigratoriusmortuus]

No, no.

[He shakes his head.]

You were giving yourself an out.

[He makes a deep throated noise.]

You might love me but you’re more afraid of me than anything.

[theknightshift]

[ For a moment, the mask slips and Jason gets all of the vulnerability Bruce doesn't show anyone else. It's in the subtle shift of his gaze--usually hard and unwavering, averted so he doesn't have to face the truth of it. His jaw tight, mouth set firm. ]

Maybe I am...

[ He shakes his head, whatever else he wants to say swallowed up in the dark. He reaches for the cowl to pull it back in place. ]

It doesn't matter what I feel.

[turdusmigratoriusmortuus]

[Jason watches, his jaw setting, and he goes quiet.]

Stop lying.

If what you feel didn’t matter you wouldn’t have left me.

I love you and I wish you would die.

[theknightshift]

[ It feels surreal to hear Jason say it. Like for a moment, he thinks he cannot be talking to him. There must be someone else he's speaking to. But there's no one here but him and Jason and Bruce is on the verge of leaving.

But he doesn't. He stands there feeling like an idiot--after too many minutes he says: ]

I love you too.

[turdusmigratoriusmortuus]

Fuck off.

You don’t love me. You don’t fucking do this shit to people you love!

[Jason yells it, and he moves forward and pushes at Bruce, once, and then again.]

Leave! I never want you to see me again, leave!

[theknightshift]

[ Bruce could brace himself, make himself an unmovable force if he wanted. But Jason shoves him and he moves. He would go, without another word or a glance back. ]

[turdusmigratoriusmortuus]

[Jason wants:

He doesn't know what he wants. He wants Bruce to want him, and he wants Bruce to leave, and he wants Bruce to apologize, and he wants Bruce to leave. He feels hysterical, like he's lost himself completely, furious and tired, and he hits Bruce again, in the shoulder, and then his arms are around him.]

You're so goddamned stupid.

[theknightshift]

I know.

[ Jason's arms around him feel like a reprieve, warmth he doesn't deserve. he doesn't know what to do with his arms until he settles into the hug and wraps them around Jason and he takes the moment to relish it. In case Jason decides he's had enough and pushes him away. ]

[turdusmigratoriusmortuus]

[He shakes his head.]

You should leave.

[He is still holding onto Bruce, like this is the last time that he'll do it; he feels like it is. He feels like if he lets go, this will be over.

Maybe it should be. Bruce is too stupid for this relationship. He's just going to hurt Jason over and over again.]

B.

You're not even sorry.

[theknightshift]

[ He should go. This is what he wanted after all. But he stands here instead, arms around Jason like he's the last good thing on earth. It's done if he let's go and they'll never be like this again. It isn't fair to say he isn't sorry when remorse fills him up like water.

He exhales. ]

I am, Jason. I regret every pain I've ever caused you.

[ Even if he's not believed, Bruce means every word. He drops a kiss on his forehead. And then takes a step back. Jason wants him to leave. He should go. ]

[turdusmigratoriusmortuus]

You might regret it, but you'd do it again.

[He pulls away; he moves to the other side of the room, to the computer. He picks it up and hands it to Bruce.]

Right?

[theknightshift]

[ Not all of it. ]

No.

[ He takes the computer, tucks it under his arm. ]

There are a lot of things I would do differently.

[turdusmigratoriusmortuus]

[They're so close to an apology. He's so fucking close, and he still can't do it.

Jason just looks at him, and closes his eyes.]

Like what, Bruce?

[theknightshift]

[ His gaze drops to Jason's neck, where he knows the scar from his batarang is. Did Jason want him to go that far back? Or to something recent, like the case he's only recently dismantled?

Or telling Jason he loved him and leaving for three days? ]

Leaving. Not being with you when you needed me.

[turdusmigratoriusmortuus]

God.

[He rubs his eyes with the heels of his hands.]

You love me. Don't make this shit harder than it has to be.

[theknightshift]

[ He sets the computer down by the window he nearly escapes from and reaches for Jason. Smooths his hands over his shoulders. He won't do more than that until he's sure Jason won't reject him. ]

I do. More than anything.

[ Maybe even more than the mission. ]